Tainted love
Books suggest inner reflection to fix troubled romance
Partner treating you badly? Then it's time to start putting yourself first. (Sun Media illustration)
This column is dedicated to the dark side of relationships, the part that gives love a bad rep.
Since we've all likely been touched by heartache at some point, all should relate to what follows.
Too often, when things don't go well in relationships, we blame others rather than accept part of the responsibility.
What we don't realize is a relationship is like a mirror in which to view ourselves, and each hardship a chance for personal growth. Serious stuff, to be sure, but doing the work on yourself can pay off in spades in this gamble called love.
Two books have crossed my desk recently. Each, in its own way, has the potential to be a life-saver and redeemer of love, although it will not save every troubled relationship. If you're in an unhealthy one - that brings you more heartache than joy and security - or if you have recently had your heart broken and fear your next relationship will just be a painful reprise of the last, perhaps one of these titles will help you brave the mirror.
When we can stand firmly in our own truth, and accept ourselves for who we are - and what we need - we gain the strength to love others in ways that honour our highest selves, and the wisdom to let love go when it's devouring us.
As New York psychotherapist Colette Dowling has said, "Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy racing back and forth between the partners. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death."
But, as always, it takes two to tango.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself, by Melody Beattie.
In this book, Beattie paints a picture of relationships out of control:
Everyone can see your downward spiral - but you. For weeks, months, you've been pulling back from family and friends, lying to protect your loved one, putting on a brave face, all the while silently raging at the emotional, psychological and financial toll your partner has had on you; you've become a caretaker, a control freak, obsessive, whiny, distrusting, manipulative, bitter and implacable. You feel empty and wonder, perhaps, if you're losing your mind. It's hard to do simple things, like get out of bed. Life once held so much hope, but now it's gone. You wonder where the love went, but you're too weak, and hurt, to let go and move on. Your staying only making things worse.
Beattie says your partner may be a substance abuser, gambler, sex addict, or any other kind of troubled or needy person, it doesn't matter. There's no question their behaviour is highly destructive - but so is yours. Your habits and reactions to your situation are allowing it to persist while sabotaging the most important person in your life, the only person you can change - you.
Beattie helps readers identify the characteristics of codependency. Her advice includes, for example, how to care for yourself by redefining boundaries of respect and giving, refusing to participate in the drama your partner creates, seeking counselling and taking action to change your situation, not just talking about it.
She offers thoughtful, much-needed insight and a path to healing, to help restore faith in the power of love - which begins with self-love.
Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants, by Elliott Katz.
This is a beautiful story of a man in a rocky marriage who seeks advice from his grandfather, a wedded man of 50 years. It may appear to subscribe to old notions of manhood and chivalry, with chapters like "Leadership," "Being manly" and "Making decisions." But, really, what man - sensitive New Age guy or not - doesn't want to be a hero to his partner?
This book offers timeless wisdom about what it means to be a real man: One who has a backbone, knows what he wants, can make decisions and take charge (without controlling), has high moral standards, is a model for his children, and someone his mate can look up to. I think it applies equally to women.
Ultimately, the main message of both books is the same, and is summed up well by Katz:
"When you believe you're entitled to being treated well, you won't accept anything less. If you wait until things are very bad, it means you've set the limit too low."
And that's true strength, the kind that leads love into the light, into a soul-affirming dance of life.
This story was posted on Thu, November 30, 2006
Books suggest inner reflection to fix troubled romance
Partner treating you badly? Then it's time to start putting yourself first. (Sun Media illustration)
This column is dedicated to the dark side of relationships, the part that gives love a bad rep.
Since we've all likely been touched by heartache at some point, all should relate to what follows.
Too often, when things don't go well in relationships, we blame others rather than accept part of the responsibility.
What we don't realize is a relationship is like a mirror in which to view ourselves, and each hardship a chance for personal growth. Serious stuff, to be sure, but doing the work on yourself can pay off in spades in this gamble called love.
Two books have crossed my desk recently. Each, in its own way, has the potential to be a life-saver and redeemer of love, although it will not save every troubled relationship. If you're in an unhealthy one - that brings you more heartache than joy and security - or if you have recently had your heart broken and fear your next relationship will just be a painful reprise of the last, perhaps one of these titles will help you brave the mirror.
When we can stand firmly in our own truth, and accept ourselves for who we are - and what we need - we gain the strength to love others in ways that honour our highest selves, and the wisdom to let love go when it's devouring us.
As New York psychotherapist Colette Dowling has said, "Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy racing back and forth between the partners. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death."
But, as always, it takes two to tango.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself, by Melody Beattie.
In this book, Beattie paints a picture of relationships out of control:
Everyone can see your downward spiral - but you. For weeks, months, you've been pulling back from family and friends, lying to protect your loved one, putting on a brave face, all the while silently raging at the emotional, psychological and financial toll your partner has had on you; you've become a caretaker, a control freak, obsessive, whiny, distrusting, manipulative, bitter and implacable. You feel empty and wonder, perhaps, if you're losing your mind. It's hard to do simple things, like get out of bed. Life once held so much hope, but now it's gone. You wonder where the love went, but you're too weak, and hurt, to let go and move on. Your staying only making things worse.
Beattie says your partner may be a substance abuser, gambler, sex addict, or any other kind of troubled or needy person, it doesn't matter. There's no question their behaviour is highly destructive - but so is yours. Your habits and reactions to your situation are allowing it to persist while sabotaging the most important person in your life, the only person you can change - you.
Beattie helps readers identify the characteristics of codependency. Her advice includes, for example, how to care for yourself by redefining boundaries of respect and giving, refusing to participate in the drama your partner creates, seeking counselling and taking action to change your situation, not just talking about it.
She offers thoughtful, much-needed insight and a path to healing, to help restore faith in the power of love - which begins with self-love.
Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants, by Elliott Katz.
This is a beautiful story of a man in a rocky marriage who seeks advice from his grandfather, a wedded man of 50 years. It may appear to subscribe to old notions of manhood and chivalry, with chapters like "Leadership," "Being manly" and "Making decisions." But, really, what man - sensitive New Age guy or not - doesn't want to be a hero to his partner?
This book offers timeless wisdom about what it means to be a real man: One who has a backbone, knows what he wants, can make decisions and take charge (without controlling), has high moral standards, is a model for his children, and someone his mate can look up to. I think it applies equally to women.
Ultimately, the main message of both books is the same, and is summed up well by Katz:
"When you believe you're entitled to being treated well, you won't accept anything less. If you wait until things are very bad, it means you've set the limit too low."
And that's true strength, the kind that leads love into the light, into a soul-affirming dance of life.
This story was posted on Thu, November 30, 2006