http://www.chron.com/content/chronicle/fea...14/manners.html
Dear Miss Manners: I have attended a number of Jewish events (such as weddings, funerals) where I have been handed a yomica (sp?) prior to the beginning of the ceremony. I am not Jewish and do not know the appropriate custom involved. Should I accept it and wear it? I have no religious objection to this; however, I do not want to wear one if it is inappropriate. And if I am not supposed to wear one, should I still accept one if it's offered to me? I would like to do what I can to please the couple being married or to honor the deceased.
Gentle reader: You don't have to spell "yarmulke" properly, but you can't properly decline to wear one that has been offered as a courtesy. The gesture means that yarmulkes are required, while it recognizes that gentlemen will be present who could not be expected to bring them.
And although Miss Manners is glad that you want to please and honor your friends, that is not the reason you should wear one. You do it as a sign of religious respect, even though it is not your religion -- just as you would take off your hat (or baseball cap) to show respect in a church, or remove your shoes to show respect in a mosque.
However, the symbolism of clothing in religion is, like most ancient traditions, wildly complicated. For example, you, as a gentile, would never put on the prayer shawl you may have observed others wearing. Yet you may have noticed Jews bareheaded at services or prayers -- which would mean that it is a Reform synagogue, rather than Conservative or Orthodox like the ones where you were offered a yarmulke.
So don't even try to figure any of this out for yourself. It's as risky as trying to figure out how to spell unfamiliar words. Before attending unfamiliar services, you should inquire which customs are part of the religious observance, not to be practiced by outsiders, and which show respect and therefore should be followed by everyone present.
RSVPs are less binding for larger, informal gatherings
DEAR Miss Manners: Every year since the mid-1980s, we have planned a catered holiday open house for the clients of my husband's law firm -- always on a weekday night during the late-afternoon to early-evening hours. The number of invitations sent for the party has averaged between 375 and 400; most years, 150 clients have attended.
At the bottom of each invitation, we add a "Please RSVP" notation, the date when we wish the clients to RSVP, and the law-firm phone number. Although the clients have the invitations in their offices four to five weeks before we ask them to RSVP, only 20 percent make the effort.
Do you have any suggestions for us to encourage our clients to RSVP? I always need to let the caterers know how many people are attending three days before the party. Why aren't people gracious enough to let you know if they'll attend?
Gentle reader: It's the "Please RSVP." The "SVP" stands for "s'il vous plaît," which is "please" in French. They are so thrown by this double courtesy that they are speechless.
No, it isn't that. Please, please forgive Miss Manners.
But although she would never defend the rudeness of ignoring invitations, she does believe that the terms of your invitation indicate that it confers minimal social obligations on those who receive it.
It is not really a social party but a little perk for clients; the term "open house" indicates more flexibility than is expected at other parties; it is timed so guests can stop by for a drink after work, rather than making a special outing; and it's so large that they can reasonably assume that you may not even notice who is there, let alone have a chance to socialize with them.
Miss Manners has no objection to these arrangements, which probably appeal more to your husband's clients than something requiring more from them. she is only pointing out that you have set it up to seem like an option, rather than a firm commitment. Even if you telephoned all of them to force out answers, she doubts they would feel their acceptances or refusals to be binding.
Besides, if 150 people generally come, why don't you tell the caterer that? Miss Manners will save her indignation to use on your friends who refuse to answer your dinner invitations.
Dear Miss Manners: When my friend and I have occasion to chat with hairdressers, dental hygienists, people who run the coffee bar, the newspaper stand and so forth, we try to be kind and upbeat, but we don't volunteer personal information about ourselves or ask nosy questions about their lives. These people, however helpful and charming, are not friends.
she and I must be doing something wrong, though, because we are met with such open-armed responses from people with whom we have these casual contacts that we don't know what to do. I'm asked intimate questions about my health and given unsolicited advice about my appearance. she's bitterly reproached if she fails, for a few days, to show up at the shop where she usually buys morning coffee.
she actually had phone calls at home from a doctor's receptionist who looked in the files and got access to her number. If I offer my accountant's secretary a bagel from a bag I'm carrying, she leaps across the desk to hug and kiss me.
We're repelled by these verbal and physical assaults and hope we don't somehow invite them. On two occasions, I've actually picked up stakes and changed service providers to avoid future dealings with some too-ardent well-wisher.
Our hearts break for these people, who must be used to horrible treatment from the public at large (and perhaps their employers), but hasn't this touchy-feely thing gotten out of hand? Can you please suggest a fix? Not everything in life can be done by mail order.
Gentle reader: Yes, the touchy-feely thing has gotten out of hand. So has the misguided notion of "friendly service," which has replaced cheerful professionalism with the fake show of instant friendship, and intimate friendship at that.
Miss Manners agrees that it would be heartbreaking if the reason these people go out of control emotionally is that they are unused to being treated politely. However, she thinks it equally possible that they believe that you are the emotionally starved ones, and they are doing you a favor.
Miss Manners hastens to add that this would not suggest that you are inviting their reaction. An amazing number of people now simply start from the smug position that everybody else in the world is emotionally starved.
All the same, it is a delicate matter for a polite person to rebuff indelicate people who are not aware they are being intrusive. The point you want to make is that you wish to be treated more formally; how they behave to others is out of your jurisdiction.
Nosy questions should be answered with only a silent smile, and unsolicited advice with a colder smile. Unauthorized touching is best answered with a scream of surprise -- this merely indicates it was startling, but it discourages its being done again.
If violations of your privacy persist after you make a polite show of finding them disagreeable, or if there is a flagrant violation such as using your telephone number, Miss Manners is afraid you must either pull up stakes or make a complaint to their supervisors.
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Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners. Mail to United Features Syndicate, 200 Madison Ave., New York. N.Y. 10016. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions except through this column.
Dear Miss Manners: I have attended a number of Jewish events (such as weddings, funerals) where I have been handed a yomica (sp?) prior to the beginning of the ceremony. I am not Jewish and do not know the appropriate custom involved. Should I accept it and wear it? I have no religious objection to this; however, I do not want to wear one if it is inappropriate. And if I am not supposed to wear one, should I still accept one if it's offered to me? I would like to do what I can to please the couple being married or to honor the deceased.
Gentle reader: You don't have to spell "yarmulke" properly, but you can't properly decline to wear one that has been offered as a courtesy. The gesture means that yarmulkes are required, while it recognizes that gentlemen will be present who could not be expected to bring them.
And although Miss Manners is glad that you want to please and honor your friends, that is not the reason you should wear one. You do it as a sign of religious respect, even though it is not your religion -- just as you would take off your hat (or baseball cap) to show respect in a church, or remove your shoes to show respect in a mosque.
However, the symbolism of clothing in religion is, like most ancient traditions, wildly complicated. For example, you, as a gentile, would never put on the prayer shawl you may have observed others wearing. Yet you may have noticed Jews bareheaded at services or prayers -- which would mean that it is a Reform synagogue, rather than Conservative or Orthodox like the ones where you were offered a yarmulke.
So don't even try to figure any of this out for yourself. It's as risky as trying to figure out how to spell unfamiliar words. Before attending unfamiliar services, you should inquire which customs are part of the religious observance, not to be practiced by outsiders, and which show respect and therefore should be followed by everyone present.
RSVPs are less binding for larger, informal gatherings
DEAR Miss Manners: Every year since the mid-1980s, we have planned a catered holiday open house for the clients of my husband's law firm -- always on a weekday night during the late-afternoon to early-evening hours. The number of invitations sent for the party has averaged between 375 and 400; most years, 150 clients have attended.
At the bottom of each invitation, we add a "Please RSVP" notation, the date when we wish the clients to RSVP, and the law-firm phone number. Although the clients have the invitations in their offices four to five weeks before we ask them to RSVP, only 20 percent make the effort.
Do you have any suggestions for us to encourage our clients to RSVP? I always need to let the caterers know how many people are attending three days before the party. Why aren't people gracious enough to let you know if they'll attend?
Gentle reader: It's the "Please RSVP." The "SVP" stands for "s'il vous plaît," which is "please" in French. They are so thrown by this double courtesy that they are speechless.
No, it isn't that. Please, please forgive Miss Manners.
But although she would never defend the rudeness of ignoring invitations, she does believe that the terms of your invitation indicate that it confers minimal social obligations on those who receive it.
It is not really a social party but a little perk for clients; the term "open house" indicates more flexibility than is expected at other parties; it is timed so guests can stop by for a drink after work, rather than making a special outing; and it's so large that they can reasonably assume that you may not even notice who is there, let alone have a chance to socialize with them.
Miss Manners has no objection to these arrangements, which probably appeal more to your husband's clients than something requiring more from them. she is only pointing out that you have set it up to seem like an option, rather than a firm commitment. Even if you telephoned all of them to force out answers, she doubts they would feel their acceptances or refusals to be binding.
Besides, if 150 people generally come, why don't you tell the caterer that? Miss Manners will save her indignation to use on your friends who refuse to answer your dinner invitations.
Dear Miss Manners: When my friend and I have occasion to chat with hairdressers, dental hygienists, people who run the coffee bar, the newspaper stand and so forth, we try to be kind and upbeat, but we don't volunteer personal information about ourselves or ask nosy questions about their lives. These people, however helpful and charming, are not friends.
she and I must be doing something wrong, though, because we are met with such open-armed responses from people with whom we have these casual contacts that we don't know what to do. I'm asked intimate questions about my health and given unsolicited advice about my appearance. she's bitterly reproached if she fails, for a few days, to show up at the shop where she usually buys morning coffee.
she actually had phone calls at home from a doctor's receptionist who looked in the files and got access to her number. If I offer my accountant's secretary a bagel from a bag I'm carrying, she leaps across the desk to hug and kiss me.
We're repelled by these verbal and physical assaults and hope we don't somehow invite them. On two occasions, I've actually picked up stakes and changed service providers to avoid future dealings with some too-ardent well-wisher.
Our hearts break for these people, who must be used to horrible treatment from the public at large (and perhaps their employers), but hasn't this touchy-feely thing gotten out of hand? Can you please suggest a fix? Not everything in life can be done by mail order.
Gentle reader: Yes, the touchy-feely thing has gotten out of hand. So has the misguided notion of "friendly service," which has replaced cheerful professionalism with the fake show of instant friendship, and intimate friendship at that.
Miss Manners agrees that it would be heartbreaking if the reason these people go out of control emotionally is that they are unused to being treated politely. However, she thinks it equally possible that they believe that you are the emotionally starved ones, and they are doing you a favor.
Miss Manners hastens to add that this would not suggest that you are inviting their reaction. An amazing number of people now simply start from the smug position that everybody else in the world is emotionally starved.
All the same, it is a delicate matter for a polite person to rebuff indelicate people who are not aware they are being intrusive. The point you want to make is that you wish to be treated more formally; how they behave to others is out of your jurisdiction.
Nosy questions should be answered with only a silent smile, and unsolicited advice with a colder smile. Unauthorized touching is best answered with a scream of surprise -- this merely indicates it was startling, but it discourages its being done again.
If violations of your privacy persist after you make a polite show of finding them disagreeable, or if there is a flagrant violation such as using your telephone number, Miss Manners is afraid you must either pull up stakes or make a complaint to their supervisors.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners. Mail to United Features Syndicate, 200 Madison Ave., New York. N.Y. 10016. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions except through this column.